FALLING RIGHT SIDE UP

A Special Gift 🐰✝️

“Theodore picked out this stuffed bunny as a special gift for you, right before he went up to heaven to live with Jesus…”

That’s what we had to tell our 4-year-old three days before Easter last year. As tears welled-up in MacKenna’s eyes, she was devastated, yet grateful all at the same time. She couldn’t understand the thought of never seeing her baby brother on this earth again, yet felt so loved to receive such a ‘thoughtful gift’; one that was immediately named ‘Snowball’. I can’t help but think of the similar feelings Mary Magdalene and the disciples had when they heard of Jesus’ resurrection… Extreme gratitude, mixed with inevitable heartache. I picture them overwhelmed with emotion; the incomprehensible just happened right before their eyes. How could a man they’ve come to know and love no longer be in their company on earth, yet act so selflessly by giving such a ‘priceless gift’ of eternal life; one that is FREE to all who believe!?

I’ve come to learn that it’s completely okay for grief and gratitude to coexist; especially because both are a byproduct of love. And as I tuck-in MacKenna every night before bed with her brother’s gift of ‘Snowball Bunny’ sharing the pillow, I’m reminded of the ultimate ‘comforting tool’ that was given to all of humanity. Unlike a stuffed toy, who could use a heavy spin cycle in our washing machine every couple weeks, God gave us a gift of ‘relief’ that never needs mending; a promise of perishable grief and eternal love… #IWillSeeYouAgain

#ThankYouJesus #HappyEaster

–Alexandria

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when life gets turned upside down

Psalm 46:5

live. love. & smile.

2020, if you’ve taught me anything, it is that a smile can both disguise pain and exude joy all. at. the. same. time…

It is that sadness and happiness know how to coexist if you’ll allow them…

It is that grieving can last a lifetime, but family lasts longer; family bonds are eternal…

Yes, 2020, you’ve so bluntly revealed that it’s our own responsibility to find the good in the bad, the beauty in the ugly… and ‘The Promise’ inside a broken world. I could easily despise you for stripping me of my precious son, leaving a void in my heart that can never be filled, or I can reluctantly thank you for broadening my perspective on what it truly means to live, love, and smile ‘through it all’.

– Alexandria

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when life gets turned upside down

Psalm 46:5

6 MONTHS GONE

Hi Theodore,
Momma here…
Today, marks 6 months.
Half a year since I’ve looked into those fierce eyes.
I have nothing profound to say,
besides “I love you more than life itself”.
Thank you for filling my arms for 223 days.
It’s your strength that has quite literally become mine.
Just one thought of your courage empowers me to do absolutely anything.
And it is ‘honoring your battle’ that will always be my greatest privilege.
I miss you more with every single beat of my heart.

Or maybe better said in the words of your big sister:
“Hey, Fee-a-door; please tell God that we miss you.”

One Sweet Day…

-️Alexandria

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when life gets turned upside down

Psalm 46:5

IMPRINTS 👣🤚🏼

Happy Birthday, Michael! Although we never have a shortage of family ‘selfies’, it was these two very separate and distinct monumental moments that pulled at my heartstrings while I was browsing for a picture that best depicted YOU. It was reflecting on these two emotional days of saying ‘hello’ to our daughter and ‘goodbye’ to our son, that I better realized one of your very unique abilities. My Michael; the only person I know who can ‘imprint’ so heavily upon other lives without needing to apply any ‘pressure’.

Yep, that’s you. Confident, yet humble. Steady, yet gentle. Reserved, yet true. Just as you delicately stamped MacKenna’s footprint on the back of your hand, I’ve seen you also replicate her same calculated, yet compassionate mannerisms, leaving others feeling ‘hugged’ without touching them at all. And just as you gingerly pressed Theodore’s hand into the clay mold that now sits on our mantel, I’ve seen you also duplicate his same modest recognition of self strength, never begging for attention, while always uplifting others first. I hope you understand, the way you ‘imprint’ on us is more special than what we can physically see; it’s all about how loved you make us feel. It’s like magic; all your small ‘subtle ways’ end up creating this enormous impact in our lives.

Unlike deep footprints along the shoreline that eventually wash away, the permanent imprints you have already left on this earth within your 34 years will last far beyond our existence. The imprints you continue to make stand the test of time because the beautiful ‘mark’ you actually leave is not surface-level, but etched deeply into many hearts. And you, Michael, have given my heart a whole new shape; you began imprinting your ‘masterpiece’ upon my heart from our very first ‘hello’. Happy Birthday. I love you.

Alexandria

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when life gets turned upside down

Psalm 46:5

ALIVE IN THE SHADOWS

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet Theodore.

Mommy wanted to do something extra special to honor your beautiful soul; an eternal soul that is still very much alive. From the day you were born, it was always your soul that touched me more than your body. Even on your birthday, they whisked you away for the first open heart surgery before I ever had a chance to caress your flawless skin. Yet despite the many days you were ‘untouchable’, there was no amount of tubes, drugs, or physical distance that could separate your soul from mine. You follow me like a shadow that I refuse to escape; you and me – we are connected by something far greater than human touch.

You, Theodore, have taught me to look in the shadows; to see the unseen, and mask out the distractions of this world. In your shadow, I do not see the rainbow EEG leads attached through your blonde fuzzy hairs; I do not see the NIRS oxygen stickers covering your forehead, or a nasal cannula that disguises your chubby cheeks. Your shadow does not depict the NJ feeding tube invading your tiny nostril; it does not reveal the intubation tube intrusively taped around your lips, or your red splotchy neck from poor blood circulation. Instead, your shadow leaves me with what I simply know as ‘my Theodore’. I’m left with just a detailed outline of your precious soul; the most perfectly unique shape of what God created in His image (Ephesians 2:10). When all other details are erased, the remaining elements of your soul become my focus of beauty. You’ve shown me the importance of remaining in the ‘Light’ in order to recognize shadows; that shadows don’t originate from darkness, but are birthed by ‘light’ alone (John 8:12). Through you, I’ve leaned that shadows cannot discriminate against the color of skin, the cost of clothes, or even the our health, but more importantly, our shadows are the framework that house true identity. And you, my baby, (still) cast a shadow of pure tender love; a masterpiece built over your brief lifetime that is exclusive to only you.

It was no coincidence that your ‘shadow of love’ continually grew in size as your time with us gradually came to a close; just like the lowering sun knows how to lengthen a shadow as it sets on the horizon, your shadow expanded and covered hearts across the entire world within your last few months on earth. You have gripped my heart and revealed how our souls become most alive in the shadow, when everything else is stripped away. So even if I feel paralyzed in darkness when my soul craves you most, I promise to still stand up in the ‘light’, because it is only then that I’ll be able to cast my shadow, where our souls can collide. My soul waits for you in the shadows.

I Love You Forever, Momma xoxo

– Momma Bear, Alexandria

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when life gets turned upside down

Psalm 46:5

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(Please visit the contact page on this site to let me know if you’re interested in a custom silhouette of your family! Card stock prints & etched stainless steel pendants will be available. All proceeds will go towards ‘Teddy Bear Care’, which currently supports CHD families across America on a monthly basis ❤ )

WE LOCKED EYES

The church doors opened, and all I saw was you. Not the friends and family gleaming on either side of the aisle, or even the photographer following us with flashing lights could distract me from your eyes. I felt my Dad’s strong grip around my arm, but it was your misty eyes that remained my focus. You took my hand; I studied your eyes. Under the alter light, I gazed into the deep turquoise and dark golden rings that encased your pupils; in your eyes I saw pure joy and excitement for what was to come, but more importantly I felt your love. It was palpable, like a gust of wind that lifted me higher than cloud9 for the entire 30 minute ceremony.

Fast forward nearly 8 years…

The operating room doors opened, and all I saw was you. Not the doctors and nurses prepping me on either side of the table, or even the anesthesiologist whispering updates in my ear could distract me from your eyes. I felt the surgeon pulling and tugging on my belly, but it was your misty eyes that remained my focus. You took my hand; I studied your eyes. Under the fluorescent medical light, I fixated on the brilliant ocean blue and little flecks of gold that encased your pupils; in your eyes I saw raw fear and heartache for what was to come, but more importantly I felt your love. It was palpable, like a tight hug that swallowed every ounce of my unwelcome despair for the entire 30 minute surgery.

This past year, Theodore, our sweet baby boy, managed to strengthen our marriage in unimaginable ways. Teddy may have had half a heart, but he was definitely blessed with Daddy’s eyes. And even to this day, I still get to study those eyes; in your eyes I see Theodore’s same ‘strength and courage’ for what is yet to come, but more importantly, I feel your love. When we first locked eyes, I’m so grateful that I threw away the key, Michael Nelson.

Happy Anniversary.

July 28th, 2012

Alexandria

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when life gets turned upside down

Psalm 46:5

CHEEK TO CHEEK

That is how it should still be… your pudgy little cheek pressed up against mine; your wispy blonde hairs tickling my temple as I press in closer and closer to you. Some mornings when it’s extra hard to catch my breath, I even find myself taking the back of my hand and pressing it up against my own cheek. If I close my eyes tight enough and inhale slowly, I can almost trick myself into believing that the warmth of my hand is the heat radiating from your perfectly rosy cheeks to mine. Then a tear. A tear leaks from my crinkled eyelids that are so firmly closed shut in concentration; it slowly travels down my face and separates my cheek from my own hand, like a knife slicing bread. And just like that, my cheeks are bare; reality slapping them hard enough to experience “whiplash” for days.

The truth is, if memories were that easily ‘relived’, grief would not exist. I’ve come to learn that grief is all of the ‘unspent love’ that we still want to give. Grief; it can completely drown the heart and mind if the “floodgates” are never released, expelling the accumulation of “deep water”. So, happy ‘3 months’ in heaven, my sweet Theodore. It’s the type of anniversary that I never imagined celebrating, but I will surely spend my ‘pent-up love’ for you by ‘giving-back’ to others every month in honor of your beautiful memory. I will continuously pour ‘unspent love’ from my “well of grief” until I can once again ‘love you’, cheek to cheek.

– Alexandria, praying Psalm 46:5
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when life gets turned upside down

DADDY’S ARMS

Little did I know that this would be your last picture with Theodore. And the more I stare at it, the more I realize how this final moment with your son perfectly summarized your entire relationship. Theodore always felt safe in his daddy’s arms. And you, Michael Nelson, are the pillar of strength for our family…

When I think of strength, I think of you holding MacKenna over Theodore’s incubator for the first time; thoughtfully explaining every beep, wire, and sticker attached to her brother when I couldn’t even mutter a word through my tears. MacKenna felt safe in your arms.

When I think of strength, I think of you bathing Theodore so delicately every morning; paying close attention to every detail and gently exfoliating his lips and skin with soapy soft gauze because it felt better than CHG wipes. Theodore felt safe in your arms.

When I think of strength, I think of you hugging me goodbye; reluctantly leaving your wife and son in Pittsburgh in order to provide for your family by selflessly caring for Covid19 patients during a pandemic. I felt safe in your arms.

When I think of strength, I think of you learning about your son’s death as you drove alone in the car down the thruway; finally arriving hours later to just hold me while embracing Theodore’s lifeless body. We felt safe in your arms.

You were with Theodore in his very first moments on earth when I couldn’t be there, and I was with Theodore during his very last moments on earth when you couldn’t be there. I knew parenthood involved ‘teamwork’, but never to that extent… Yet, I’m grateful that the unthinkable tragedy our family endured has never torn us from each other’s arms. In fact, MK and I still debate who can snuggle under your armpits first. And although we’d both forfeit our spots in a heartbeat to see Theodore on your lap again, I’m confident that he has the very best babysitter in heaven. Theodore is safe in his ‘Father’s Arms’. However, your boy is just patiently waiting for that one sweet day, where Jesus can pass him back to you; back into his strong daddy’s arms.

Happy Father’s Day- your strength IS the definition of ‘Fatherhood’. We all love you.

-❤️ Alexandria, praying Psalm 46:5
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when life gets turned upside down👇🏼

FREEZE!

️Here is my favorite ‘brunette Elsa’, who happens to be much better at ‘melting hearts’ than freezing them…

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY, MacKenna!

Mom & Dad could not be more proud to call you our daughter. You became a big sister, and lost your baby brother all in the same year. Your delicate little heart has endured more than we ever hoped it would at age five. Although you like to remind us that you are ‘Queen Elsa’, the truth is, your kind heart is anything but ‘Frozen’. In fact, the events within this past year have only fertilized your heart, and now I sit in awe of the colorful garden you unknowingly possess. Your beautiful heart has learned to seamlessly transition from pure excitement, to true compassion… and then from raw sadness, to hesitant acceptance. You now talk to heaven with greater understanding and more purpose than ever before …

Today, when I watch you blow out the candles on yet another year, I’ll thank God for your 5-year-old-tenderly-warm-more-matured heart. Oh yes, and I’ll secretly wish to be granted some of those special “Elsa powers” to do the impossible and “freeze you at five”. #Freeze

We love you so incredibly much MK, and so does baby brother, ‘Fee-A-Dore’ (more commonly known at home as our ‘Teddy Bird’, the cardinal, nowadays! Psst… can you find him!?)

Alexandria, praying Psalm 46:5

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when life gets turned upside down…

FORTIFIED. 🥛

**CLICK PICTURE ABOVE TO READ FULL ARTICLE**

All 1,248 ounces were fortified with an extremely large dose of love…

When you fortify, you add an element of ‘value’ to something that could benefit from being strengthened. And there’s no doubt that Theodore Nelson was born a ‘fortifier’; his tenacity could invigorate anyone and enhance their lives for the better. He was a gift that allowed me to pump with purpose. I was determined to demonstrate love in the only capacity I knew how; I yearned to be ‘useful’ as his mother, even when I helplessly sat in the corner of his ICU room. After every open heart surgery, it would be weeks on end that I would be forbidden to hold my baby due to his risky recoveries. So instead of holding Theodore to show my love, I was holding my pump. I was determined to preserve every missed opportunity of ‘normal motherly love’ by “pouring” my heart and soul into those bottles.

This beautiful recognition from Catholic Health yesterday couldn’t have been published on better day. You see, exactly one year ago, on June 3rd, 2019, I fully realized my ‘fortifier’ as ‘prayer’. On that day, my son’s diagnosis of ‘HLHS’ instantly sucked the life right out of me; I could barely stand up on my own two feet. It wasn’t until I started to fortify myself with the Word of God that I felt empowered once again.

Everyone’s kindness was so overwhelming last night, but I promise you, I am not even HALF as ‘amazing’ as my fierce Theodore. He single-handedly transformed what I knew as ‘love’ into something much deeper… Pumping milk was simply a privelage for me; an outlet which I’m forever grateful allowed me to “love” my baby from a distance. Please know that I pass along everyone’s gratitude directly to my son; all praise belongs to him. It is Theodore that has taught me true perseverance and it was his unique life with half a heart that will forever be my reason to “fortify with love”. Because of his ‘bad’ diagnosis, I will forever choose to do ‘good’ in his name. (Genesis 50:20).

There’s no doubt this world could benefit from some fortification. And even in the midst of a pandemic, vitamin C is secondary to the extra does of ‘love’ that everyone currently needs. It is the most priceless supplement that mixes well with everything; and better yet, it’s free… In a world that will constantly try to dilute you, find your reason to remain fortified.

(A special thank you to my husband, Michael Nelson, who helped me document and deliver every single ounce of milk… & to Gina Penque from the Women’s Center at Mount Saint Mary’s Hospital in Lewiston, who made the emotional process of donation a beautiful experience for us!

–Alexandria, praying Psalm 46:5

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…when life gets turned upside down.