Tears are allowed to exist amongst happiness; when they appear, they’re just deemed ‘happy tears’. So surely smiles are allowed to exist amongst grief; I say we just deem them ‘grieving smiles’… These grieving smiles are certainly forced at times; yet they also originate from new perspective, and carry immense gratitude for the present day.
Never did I imagine our Christmas Card to look like this, but I’m so extremely grateful for the two blessings in our arms, and the one on our mantle…
⫸ 𝕋𝕠𝕡 𝕋𝕖𝕟 𝕋𝕚𝕕𝕓𝕚𝕥𝕤 ⫷ ————————— ➙ 14 pounds ➙ 24.5 inches long ➙ officially part of the “rolling club” ➙ superhero Jack-Jack for Halloween ➙ “Mr. I Don’t Like Sleep Anymore” ➙ enjoyed 1st time on the swing at the park ➙ wakes up every 2-4 hours overnight again ➙ loves to watch Big Sis dance and play piano ➙ cracks up at Dad’s pretend “toot noises” ➙ started swim classes with a friend
⫸ 𝕄𝕒𝕞𝕒’𝕤 𝕄𝕠𝕤𝕥 𝕄𝕒𝕣𝕧𝕖𝕝𝕠𝕦𝕤 𝕄𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥 ⫷ ————————————————————— This month I’ve realized that the ‘most marvelous moment’ is not always because of it’s perfection, but sometimes because of the exhale that follows the struggle.
“Breathe in 1, 2, 3 … and out 3, 2, 1 …”
It’s been my mantra this past month; quite literally my mellow chant that I’ve rehearsed out-loud on repeat. Despite watching your perfect little self discover more details of this big world with each passing day, this month felt hard. Mixed in with your baby giggles and goofy grins, you had uncontrollable outbursts and clawed at my chest in frustration. Whether it was impatience with my slow milk letdown, crankiness from not enough sleep, or just painful gas that was upsetting you, I’ll never know… You couldn’t use words to tell me, and frankly, I became speechless many times, too. I relied on counting:
“Breathe in 1, 2, 3 … and out 3, 2, 1 …”
Daddy was on night shift, and that evening presented all the elements of a perfect storm; spinning out of control like a tornado was tiredness from sleep regression, overwhelming household duties, and ‘mommy hormones’ accompanied with low milk supply. After mixing in some heavy grief from terribly missing your big brother, the end result was a hurricane. Our house was flooded with tears as you and I shared a dramatic tantrum together. That was, until…
You laughed at me. And I mean, you. laughed. at. me! All of a sudden life became really funny to you, Arthur. Maybe it was the sound of my snot-filled nose snorting between ugly cries, or maybe it was the crazy design the runny mascara made on my cheeks that sent you into a hilarious cackling fit. Either way, that contagious laugh of yours was the big gust of wind that pushed away all the looming dark clouds; it blew in a fresh breath of air that I swallowed as fast as I could…
“Breathe in 1, 2, 3 … and out 3, 2, 1…”
My shoulders relaxed, you latched-on, and I nursed you into a peaceful sleep. As I sat still, I thought about the skill of counting to three; how can something I mastered in preschool be so tough? It’s true; in the moments where anxiety has you in a chokehold, the concentration required to recite three consecutive numbers becomes extreme talent in and of itself. Our demanding society constantly raises the expectations of parenthood, but even if I’m gasping for air trying to keep up, you’ll always be my beautiful ‘exhale’, Arthur Nelson.
I love you, Artie🧸
-❤️Alexandria … join me by #FallingRightSideUp 👆🏼 when life gets turned upside down👇🏼 Psalm 46:5
⫸ 𝕋𝕠𝕡 𝕋𝕖𝕟 𝕋𝕚𝕕𝕓𝕚𝕥𝕤 ⫷ ————————— ➙ 12 pounds, 11 ounces ➙ 23.75 inches long ➙ gives wide-mouthed smiles to anyone ➙ starts to giggle when feet are rubbed ➙ “Happy Drooly Thumb-Sucker” ➙ made first trip to Niagara Falls ➙ usually sleeps 10 hours through the night ➙ favorites: long car rides to fall festivals ➙ loves having loud “conversations” with Dad ➙ got dedicated at church with a big grin
⫸ 𝕄𝕒𝕞𝕒’𝕤 𝕄𝕠𝕤𝕥 𝕄𝕒𝕣𝕧𝕖𝕝𝕠𝕦𝕤 𝕄𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥 ⫷ ————————————————————— I don’t know what it is about bath-time, but being alone together in the tub has been some of my most memorable moments with you, Arthur. Honestly, ‘bath experiences’ have been so very different between you and each of your siblings… I was so nervous with your big Sis being my first baby; getting any water in her eyes seemed like the end of the world, and I gingerly grazed her with washcloths as if she was a porcelain doll that could break. Then of course I longed to have that precious ‘bath time’ with your big Brother; he took ‘sponge baths’ to a whole new level, where sometimes it was such a big undertaking that both Dad and I needed an extra nurse to help coordinate IV poles, detach tubing, and even change dressings when they got wet…
So needless to say, our unsupervised soaking time in the warm bath water is more than just relaxing, it’s revitalizing to my soul. It’s simple. It’s quiet. It’s just you and me. I begin to run the water and your chubby legs start to kick with excitement; the second your bare bum gets immersed, you’re grinning from ear to ear. When I step-in to sit across from your bath seat, you’re always so “surprised” when the water rises just a little higher against your belly, yet you gladly welcome me nevertheless. I study your sweet face; I see MacKenna’s inquisitive twinkle and Theodore’s fierce stare all at once. Those piercing blue eyes of yours pay no attention to my frizzy hair and blemished skin; it’s like you can look straight into my heart as if we’ve known each other forever. Why is time such a thief; even “forever” seems fleeting. A tear puddles over the rim of my eye in sadness as I yearn so badly to have all three of my babies, stay babies. I swear your observant little self curiously tracked the tear as it made it’s way down my cheek, and all of a sudden you let out the sweetest “ahh-goo” that you matched with a smirk. And like magic, my tear of grief turned into pure joy all before even falling off the edge of my face into the bath below. It was as if your baby babble was telling me: Mom, just because the bath water doesn’t stay warm, doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy it right now – sit back and “soak it all in”…
Contrary to time always flying by, it actually seemed to stand still for a brief moment on the Atlantic coast this past month. I will never forget our time together on the beach that evening.
The sun was setting behind the clouds, as it was nearing dinner time, but we really had nowhere to be… You and I lounged on the beach chair while your Daddy and sister played in the waves. I was relaxed while nursing you to a live performance of nature’s soundtrack; the seagulls were squealing, the ocean was roaring, and I could even hear the swift breeze sweeping grains of sand across our belongings. My eyes danced between watching your wispy red hairs blow in the wind, and your sister giggling as she kicked the heavy sand along the shoreline. I gazed at your naked round belly rise and fall against the waistline of the little blue swim trunks you wore, as well as your cute stubby toes that repeatedly curled into the bright beach towel fibers; it was as if the perfect rhythm of your body had put me into a complete trance. My body was still, but my mind was so alert. With a deep inhale, it was in that stillness that I could actually feel your big brother’s presence surround us like a fine mist blanketing our skin. Tears fell as I embraced it all; nature is funny like that baby boy, as it can somehow make you feel extra close to heaven at times …
The sun was low, the waves were loud, the weight of your warm body was simply serene; it was in that moment our family felt most complete. #FamilyOfFive
I remember being so thrilled that you were “comfortable” enough on this particular day to lay ‘chest to chest’ with mommy; feeling your chest rise and fall with each breath against mine was well worth recruiting someone to help coordinate the process of delicately getting you out of bed…
I remember praying so hard that you’d fall asleep so it would buy us more “cuddle time” together; it was like hitting the million dollar jackpot when something as simple as you napping in my arms actually took place…
I remember inhaling shallow enough to keep you sleeping, yet deep enough to permanently memorize your baby scent before they stole you for another open heart surgery the next day; my hand instinctually found it’s way to your fuzzy head, and like a helmet, my fingers spread wide to cover you, as if I could ward off all danger…
Yet, I remember telling Daddy to “hurry up” and “take a picture” of this moment because I knew there’d be a day I’d no longer have you here to hold; your long-term prognosis haunted my every thought, as it predicted you leaving me well before I. could. even. “imagine”…
But, now what? …what happens when Mommy’s only choice is to “imagine”? Well, as of lately, I tend to visualize heaven existing right here, among us on earth. It was only a month ago that your little brother, Arthur, knew nothing besides “his own little world” that existed inside my womb. However, to his surprise, it was just a thin amniotic sac that separated him from a “whole new world” after birth. So, perhaps you are ‘closer’ to Mama after all; just like a baby that is unaware of their proximity in their mother’s belly and their ‘closeness’ to the next phase of life, maybe there’s also less “separation” between heaven and earth than we actually think?… Although the thought of ‘eternal life’ tends to be “located” up far away in the clouds, it surely helps calm my Mama heart to think that you are right here, with Jesus, just simply unseen; but eventually “within an arms reach”, too…
Happy 2nd Birthday in heaven, my beautiful boy. I would give anything to hold your ‘two-year-old body’ in my arms today, but I thank God that heaven isn’t “two” far away…
We love you more with each passing day that brings us closer to reuniting again.
On July 23, 2021, at 5:57am, all 7 pounds and 19.5 inches of you entered this world and brought a fresh, yet familiar wave of immeasurable joy…
We cannot wait to introduce you to the world’s best big sister, MacKenna, and teach you all about your incredible big brother, Theodore. I know Teddy is looking down, so proud to have YOU as his special namesake.
Without a doubt, you resemble both of your siblings, however, your unique little personality already shines so bright…
Thank you, my oh so very snuggly ‘Artie-Bear’, for being the third ray of sunshine that will forever brighten our days, and for officially making us a clan of five!
Welcome to the Nelson Family, where we embrace imperfection, honor life, and most of all, love hard. God knew that you’d fit right in …
Think about it. The first instinct a father has when holding their precious baby is to kiss their cheek… because what feels better than fresh newborn skin pressed against your lips when no words seem significant enough to properly represent your overwhelming amount of love? Those same fathers eventually experience earthly departures, yet that same first instinct remains… because what feels better than the unique scent of a loved-one pressed against your lips when no words seem significant enough to properly represent your overwhelming amount of love? From beginning to end, humankind simply craves love; it is the common denominator of life, whether it’s filled with many healthy years, or cut short by unfair sickness…
Happy Fathers Day, to my Husband, who got to excitedly kiss our daughter ‘hello’, but last year, had to bravely kiss our son ‘goodbye’.
Happy Fathers Day, to my Dad, who got to greet me with a kiss ‘hello’, but today, had to sweetly kiss his own Father ‘goodbye’.
& Happy Fathers Day, to my Beloved Papa, who for the first time this morning, got to meet my Theodore in heaven with a kiss ‘hello’, but only as soon as the family all had to kiss him ‘goodbye’…
Life is beautifully hard. It always seems to strike a balance, by forming one big messy composition of ‘happy hellos’ and ‘sad goodbyes’… But it’s all worth it with the love of our fathers and forefathers that know how to seal the beginning and end with a kiss.
I laughed when this little “superhero” requested a ‘Wonder Woman Birthday’ because prior to last month, the words were never even in her vocabulary… Ironically, her ‘silly thought’ quickly evolved to a very ‘appropriate suggestion’, as I soon began to realize that MacKenna casted herself for the perfect role…
I think back over the past two years, and I ‘wonder’ quite a bit about this “Wonder Woman” that I’m privileged to call my daughter… I wonder about how scary it felt to travel to a new city hours away, only to learn that her baby brother was born with a broken heart. I wonder about how brave she had to be to love Theodore, yet constantly see him in an untouchable state, covered in “stickers”, wires, and tubes. I wonder about about how sad she was to see her parents finally come home empty-handed, and learn that her special ‘big sister duties’ came to a complete halt.
However, what I do NOT wonder about, and to the contrary am absolutely assured-of, is her superhuman strength, tender loving heart, and ability to remain in a constant state of gratitude. This little ‘Wonder Woman’ may not be able to see through walls or into the future, but she is surely able to see the BEST in every (tough) situation. When duty calls, she may not fly-down to snatch me from fire or fight in hand-to-hand combat, but my super-girl surely ‘rescues’ my grieving heart, day in and day out.
-MacKenna, our amazing ‘Wonder Woman’, we’re eternally grateful for your passion to keep Teddy’s memory alive, and the pure JOY that you easily sustain in our lives. We cannot wait to witness your ‘heroic big sister skills’ in-action all over again, very very soon…
The gift of your life has brought immeasurable joy, even through the darkest days. The gift of your life has drawn us closer to God, as we’ve realized our own lack of control. The gift of your life has indicated that prayer does not always change circumstances, but it certainly changes us. The gift of your life has promoted the celebration of progress, instead of a focus on perfection. The gift of your life has proven that love conquers all; fully demonstrating that the power of love does not die, but can surely multiply… and because love never fails, my sweet Teddy Bear, the gift of your life has revealed that “God’s perfect gift” is not always what it seems, but always better than imagined… you’re no longer just a ‘LITTLE Brother’, but a ‘BIG Brother’, too!
Thank you, God, for our perfect gifts:
MacKenna 6/17/15
🧸 Theodore 8/30/19 – 4/9/20
Littlest Brother – Due July, 2021
…because EVERY good and ‘perfect gift’ is from above. James 1:17
Alexandria
… join me by #FallingRightSideUp
when life gets turned upside down
Psalm 46:5
(: a huge shout-out to Justin Bondi Productions, for this amazing video announcement!)
Tomorrow, April 9, 2020 – My heart broke the same day yours was made whole…
And although I miss you more with every beat of my broken heart, I’d gladly give-up a piece of my heart, to know that God has replaced the missing piece of yours… I hope you know how absolutely, incredibly PERFECT you were to me, my fierce warrior, my sweet Theodore. Mommy loves you so much it hurts.
Alexandria
FALLING RIGHT SIDE UP 